I've lost my sense of time and place. Probably that was happening due to the gradual declining quality and quantity of brain cells - I've termed it neural-autumnosis. Life becomes an ever increasing sequence of senior moments.
What I'm trying to say is this is unlikely to be an accurate, time-ordered narrative. The Huxley randomness is likely to overshadow any logical chronology.
The drugs were administered - intravenous and by pill. The body and mind reacted - after a short, euphoric, optimistic interlude - into the anticipated paranoid, irritated discomfort. The powerful cocktail sucked the life out of me like a damned Dyson on dextroamphetamine. That sounds clever - but I've no idea why!
Thank God for family and friends! Without them all, making even the smallest gesture of support, life would or could have become absolutely intolerable. Kym has been a diamond geezer (lady geezer!) without whom I would have not found the strength to get up and at em. Neither would I have been able to cope with the administration of the bagfulls of medication and the well-made schedule of drug times. She's fed me and taken me out - to where there are no infectious people - and put up with my moods: I think mostly drug-induced. She's put up with me not sleeping and being emotionally scratchy to the expense of her own sanity and exhaustion. She's lived a sympathetic chemo.
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| Kym doing what she likes a lot |
Sometimes my mind sees things through a telescope the wrong way round. I can't remember when I had the last chemo - one moment it seems like just yesterday and then it seems like weeks ago. But whenever it was this discomforts are easing. The fatigue is still draining my energies and motivations so I just have to ease myself into every attempt to do something or move somewhere. I've managed to resume my tai chi and other mobility exercises. Following even the gentlest session my legs still ache - although that's possibly to be expected because the drugs knock out my blood cell production and a lot of that is in the larger bones in the pelvis and thighs.
We had a positive consultation with Dr Flora - she was kindly helpful and answered all our questions. I've got three more chemo cycles planned. Also to minimise the risk of postponement I am to have blood tests a week prior to the due date and if necessary have the G-CFS to stimulate white cell and platelet production.
I accidentally loaded this photo (well .gif file) This is a moving duo selfie. I think google+ auto enhanced a number of snaps we took trying to get the perfect image (ha bloody ha!) It looks like a middle-aged couple with ADHD on a day trip away from the institution. I have to say that the only drugs used were caffeine and cake.
So sorry - I broke the flow of my tale.
Three more cycles to follow. After the next one I will be scanned and poked to determine how the treatment is ridding my body of the diseased lymph glands and the condition of organs like spleen, liver, heart and kidneys. It may then be possible to reduce the dosage for the last two. If things go according to plan (delusional optimism!) the end of the last cycle will be the end of August, and hopefully I will enter the recovery phase. Dr Flora says this will last for between three to six months - depending on my general health - which has been pretty good for my age!
After a couple of months they do more tests and assessments and if all the boxes are ticked - that is Remission - they can't cure this puppy. So we remain positive and focussed on recovery.
We had a big toddle a few weeks ago and got as far north as Northampton! We had to see Sarah - James was able to come along. As you know I'm a bit of a ukulele and guitar fan. I've tried to encourage Sarah to learn the uke - it's a nice, sweet, easy-to-play instrument perfectly capable of being suitable for all types of music. Sarah cheekily filmed me while I was having an encouraging little strum after she had handsomely fed us.
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| It's another moving image! |
To see and hear where the uke sits in my musical arsenal - here's a clip -
the song originates from my days at PGL - this was from 1975 at Llangors. I sort of re-composed it a couple of years ago and recorded it as a keep-me-going project during April this year. I finished! it in time for the General Election in May - the relevance being some of the original motivation was a comment on the 1975 referendum to join the Common Market.
The last bits of serious stuff - I hired a personal financial adviser to help me through the pensions issue. It was a bit of an ordeal - but he basically said that I'd done enough work myself and I had the best deals - better than he could offer. He didn't charge me for that - nice man with integrity. If you want his details contact me. So as my sick pay ends in a couple of months - together with accrued holiday - I have to find an income as I'm not fit for returning to work any day soon! I've got another session with an adviser to tie things up (which will cost) but it looks like we will have something to tide us over until Pension time in January. I'm trying to avoid any guilty feelings or anxiety - so perhaps as my song says "I'm playing at being an ostrich"!
What else have I being doing? Cycling? no - my balance and energy levels well are below Bradley Wiggins standard. I think Kym has a view on this - better leave it alone mate - I don't want to pick your pieces up out of the road.
Brewing - no - haven't had the energy - I think it's about the sterilising etc. I've got the ingredients - but not the motivation.
Graphic design - I've tried my hand at some little easy projects - Serif DrawPlus or GIMP together with the graphics drawing tablet - I can't really bite that cherry.
Work projects - well my concentration has just evapourated - I hit a little snag - and oops stagnation.
Ukulele and mandolin - some effort - but I don't seem to be able to sustain attention. Also noise can be a bit of a problem at certain times. I think the drugs have made me rather sensitive to certain frequencies and sudden blasts.
Still I've been meditating and doing both breathing and mobility exercises. I think I mentioned a little Tai Chi earlier in one of my posts. For at least a week of the cycle I have insufficient energy to physically exercise - indeed some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and walk to the loo or downstairs to the sofa. Hey this is Tuff Mudda stuff - forgive the uncool attempt at cool. Meditation and breathing do not take much physical effort; mainly a question of motivation and will.
Worrying, mithering whittering on - plenty of that. Reasons are that life has lost much of its focus and framework due to isolation and no workplace experience. Consequently the world in which we live appears to be more threatened and hostile. I had the idea that as my body is trying to kill itself so the world is turning upon itself in a similar way. I'll just share these ideas.
You might know there is a great song called "What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding", actually written by Nick Lowe, but originally recorded by the band Brinsley Schwarz and then a hit for Elvis Costello. I've even had a go at it a few times - don't worry nothing yet down on tape - well perhaps the next project?
Brewing - no - haven't had the energy - I think it's about the sterilising etc. I've got the ingredients - but not the motivation.
Graphic design - I've tried my hand at some little easy projects - Serif DrawPlus or GIMP together with the graphics drawing tablet - I can't really bite that cherry.
Work projects - well my concentration has just evapourated - I hit a little snag - and oops stagnation.
Ukulele and mandolin - some effort - but I don't seem to be able to sustain attention. Also noise can be a bit of a problem at certain times. I think the drugs have made me rather sensitive to certain frequencies and sudden blasts.
Still I've been meditating and doing both breathing and mobility exercises. I think I mentioned a little Tai Chi earlier in one of my posts. For at least a week of the cycle I have insufficient energy to physically exercise - indeed some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and walk to the loo or downstairs to the sofa. Hey this is Tuff Mudda stuff - forgive the uncool attempt at cool. Meditation and breathing do not take much physical effort; mainly a question of motivation and will.
Worrying, mithering whittering on - plenty of that. Reasons are that life has lost much of its focus and framework due to isolation and no workplace experience. Consequently the world in which we live appears to be more threatened and hostile. I had the idea that as my body is trying to kill itself so the world is turning upon itself in a similar way. I'll just share these ideas.
You might know there is a great song called "What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding", actually written by Nick Lowe, but originally recorded by the band Brinsley Schwarz and then a hit for Elvis Costello. I've even had a go at it a few times - don't worry nothing yet down on tape - well perhaps the next project?
The Brinsleys
These thoughts have nothing to do with music really. I listened to a talk by Sister Alicia Vacas, a Catholic nun working in and around Jerusalem with people who are poor, dislocated, and ill. She sees her work as bridge-building between the mixed people in this "holy" region. She sees her work as shining light into the cracks in the walls and barricades that authorities, religions, governments have erected to separate people, hope and love from each other.Sister Alicia Vacas
That is a link to some information about her and a video of her presentation at a conference.
Life is, once again, on the brink of great conflict Has it ever been any where else? We live in cultures of greed, envy, suspicion, self-centredness and power-mongering. This creates an environment of fear.
How can we diminish the fear so it stops crippling us? How do we achieve this peace?
By love. The Bible says that fear is the opposite of love. Jesus said love one another and the he also said love God and your neighbour as yourself. I believe that the Koran says similar things about loving one another for the sake of Allah and Love for Allah’s sake transcends the limits of our worldly existence. So it seems that there is a good place to start.
Peace needs justice for it to grow and sustain.
The things of growth needed for peace are love, dedication, hard-work, solidarity and forgiveness.
However, so often, the things we see now in front of us, in many places, are sectarianism, nationalism, fundamentalism and power struggles.
How do we grow from where we are now to a loving, peaceful world where justice is is the norm?
We need to look through those cracks with the light of love for our fellow human race. If we have faith then one of the characteristics of God is that he contains the essence of Love. God will work with us.
Only when those cracks in the barricades are burned open by the laser light of love will we have equality, dignity, freedom and our rights can be assumed, cherished and shared.
Sister Alicia says it better than me.
Well that's my bit of philosophy for the time being. Bu please think about what you can do.
I promised to offer you a contemporary musical artist - who's not dead and buried.
Reg Meuross is my man for you this Blog
Reg Meuross is a true modern day troubadour – commenting on life as he sees it, with some of the most beautifully disarming songs and lyrics ever written. FolkWords awarded England Green & England Grey Album of the Year 2014, and said Reg’s songs are ‘the hinges upon which swing the doors of perceptive English folk ‘
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reg_Meuross
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/worldfolkandjazz/11074278/Reg-Meuross-England-Green-and-England-Grey-album-review.html
Life is, once again, on the brink of great conflict Has it ever been any where else? We live in cultures of greed, envy, suspicion, self-centredness and power-mongering. This creates an environment of fear.
How can we diminish the fear so it stops crippling us? How do we achieve this peace?
By love. The Bible says that fear is the opposite of love. Jesus said love one another and the he also said love God and your neighbour as yourself. I believe that the Koran says similar things about loving one another for the sake of Allah and Love for Allah’s sake transcends the limits of our worldly existence. So it seems that there is a good place to start.
Peace needs justice for it to grow and sustain.
The things of growth needed for peace are love, dedication, hard-work, solidarity and forgiveness.
However, so often, the things we see now in front of us, in many places, are sectarianism, nationalism, fundamentalism and power struggles.
How do we grow from where we are now to a loving, peaceful world where justice is is the norm?
We need to look through those cracks with the light of love for our fellow human race. If we have faith then one of the characteristics of God is that he contains the essence of Love. God will work with us.
Only when those cracks in the barricades are burned open by the laser light of love will we have equality, dignity, freedom and our rights can be assumed, cherished and shared.
Sister Alicia says it better than me.
Well that's my bit of philosophy for the time being. Bu please think about what you can do.
I promised to offer you a contemporary musical artist - who's not dead and buried.
Reg Meuross is my man for you this Blog
.
Reg Meuross is a true modern day troubadour – commenting on life as he sees it, with some of the most beautifully disarming songs and lyrics ever written. FolkWords awarded England Green & England Grey Album of the Year 2014, and said Reg’s songs are ‘the hinges upon which swing the doors of perceptive English folk ‘
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reg_Meuross
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/worldfolkandjazz/11074278/Reg-Meuross-England-Green-and-England-Grey-album-review.html
That's all folks. Next Blog should include a review of Graham Parker.s great new album: "Mystery Glue" and also a review of the joint project between My Darling Clementine and the Mark Billingham called "The Other Half"
Health and happiness to everyone.
Health and happiness to everyone.
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